Today we Grieve.

¬†I have been lost these past few months from the blog.I travelled, i matured and learnt a lot… and i am still happily married ūüôā

¬†This week’s school massacre still fresh in my mind. so many lives lost in vain.. so many families still in shock . Today we grieve and offer our condolences!! Today we mourn for the sweet smiles and happy childhood of the departed. May you all rest in peace.


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Fake Nepalese Asylum seekers and Nepalese Gatherings.


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Month of March just passed in madness… the madness of studies and all.

Though i didn’t write a single post in march..i read a lot …. sometimes you just ¬†feel like reading ¬†what people are writing about…. so anyways…i am here again. ūüôā

I never though i would say this…BUT… i hate going to nepalese gatherings in america ¬†these days.. no, i am not turning into an american, no i am not having a reverse cultural ¬†shock… it’s just the fact that i am too damn proud that i am a nepali and these gatherings take away my pride. so what’s the issue you may ask…

The first thing people Ask in these gatherings is whether you have a green card or not? ¬† about nepali biasness.. when you say you don’t have are not considered equal to them . oh What a biased attitude.. The first time i experienced it..i thought it was an exception … then when the pattern repeated itself again and again.. i ¬†knew it had something to do with Nepalese concept of showing : “self importance”….. now i hate even the idea of going to parties organised by Nepalese . ¬†The issue of green card has become such an important question ,you get asked about it from every person that you encounter in such a gathering.I was wondering if i came to a wrong party..

did the inviatation say ¬†” Green card Holder¬†only”?

After a while i realised ¬†there were just two groups of people around there , one ,who were the proud green card holders, the majestic ones..who wanted everyone to know they were special and important ¬†and the other- who wished they belonged to the above class. It didn’t even matter that the latter ones were more educated, more respectful and had better jobs than the above ones.It didn’t even helped the fact that they drank alchohol far less and could control themselves when drunk ..I don’t drink and i don’t have a green card… so i guess this will be my last nepalese gatherings..

A nd it’s not even the drinks and the green card ¬†that makes me consider this decision, It’s the dam pride that i have as a nepali…. however bad it looks to the eyes of a foreighner , Nepal‘s my country … and even though it has loadshedding (no electricity) for 14 hrs a day in some months of year, even though maoist are ruling the country … i donot think it’s unlivable and politically that unstable that you have to file for asylum here in usa. As In the above case every green card holder that i met above got theirs from filing Asylum..and that just broke my pride.

Nepal is not politically as bad as it was during the maoist revolution, there is no ongoing war …and people don’t have to potray it in worst light than it really is. I am not anti immigration, i am not against nepalese getting greencards… i will probably apply for it in few years via my employer…it’s just the ” unnatural” ¬†way people are getting it throbs my head. ¬†i give you this couple who i met in the gathering ¬†as an example…

A ¬†couple close to my age ,began talking to me.. i inquired about¬†¬†their home and families, schooling ¬†back in in Nepal, and they inquired about mine. when the conversation lenghtened and the closeness developed they told me if i could find them some work ¬†as they recently got their greencard and could work legally now.I congratulated them ..and they ¬†proudly told me they filed an asylum and then ¬†got their ¬†greencard…. they inquired if i had one..and when i said no..they told me to follow their path and file on the basis of asylum. What the heck??? They even told me if i ever need a good story writer , i should contact them… story????? ¬†and what the heck is a story????

As i later came to know “story ” ¬†is something that makes the immigration officer feel –you are ¬†being prosecuted in your country and you are not safe .Their stories must be strong i thought, because ¬†before they told me about their asylum story, they had told me they were from kathmandu, had parents who were in high government post and earning well, with 2 houses in the city and self funded american and indian education… and yet they filed for asylum… they were wealty enough for nepal and they had no political affiliations whatsoever … yet they sold their so called ” story” of being affiliated to a political party and being targeted by a ” maoist” ¬†government. ¬†They sure had some convincing power.

This incident had my head throbbing.I am not against asylum..i am not against greencard…but I definitely am against fake asylees. why not give asylum to those who ¬†really deserve it ¬†.¬†As ¬†more and more nepalese are filing for asylum here , american embassy ¬†back in nepal is being more strict to giving visitor visa. parent’s dont get visa to come to their children’s graduation these days..because there is a suspision that once they are here they too will file for an asylum.

These Asylum seekers are making up stories that are fake and the real deserving ones are being questioned harder.The negative image of Nepal and it’s people are spreading. It Just hurts my dam pride.

Here’s another one ¬†having a similar theme…¬†4615-asylum.html

Leap Day 2012 And my morning musings…


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so today is February 29th , i almost forgot, This year it’s a leap year .Weather’s been crazy for the last few days.I have been home stuck for two days in a row now, High gusts of winds, freezing icy rain and blizzard like conditions prevail here .It dawned on me that i might take a moment and reflect a few things this morning , cause this date ( as in feb 29th) will arrive only after 4 years from today, and who knows what ¬†i will ¬†be doing in another ¬†4 years…who knows if this blog still will be around then ¬†ūüôā

so what’s on my mind this morning…..

Nothing much…¬†¬†primary elections for¬†republican presidenitial candidate nomination¬†¬†are going on . I never am ¬†much involved in politics , but for the past few months, whenever i turn the TV on …it’s the only thing they are talking about … so i picked up ¬†a few lines . what baffles me is the thought that republicans are more conservative than i thought… i wont comment about democrats because i don’t know about their party ¬†policy much till now.

so , about republicans… i find their policy strange. They say no no, on contraception and no on abortion at any cost , which is what i believe is the ultimate choice that should be given to a women. women are the sole judge of what they should or should not do with their life and their reproductive health …They should be able to judge their situation and be able to decide for themselves and their families.I thought US would be more progressive… but on that note south east asia is more flexible.

The other thing that baffles me is the republican tax policy. why does america not  have a fixed flat rate of tax for everybody ? why does  middle class has higher tax burden than the millionaires ?

And if i am not into christianity….. according to republicans — i am performing sin and ¬†will have to repent , otherwise land in hell ? ūüôā . Republicans baffle me …. who has eight kids these days…except for them. And who condemns policy that asks young people to think about college more , justifying college is where people loose their religion. what a policy ???

I am glad … i can’t vote …. i would have a hard time trying ūüôā

Bomb Blast for Protesting oil price hikes……????

Nepal is ¬†a ¬†strange country nowadays. when everyother country is developing at a faster pace every midnight, we are destroying what we even have.What caught my attention this week was the fact that there was a bomb blast in capital yesterday , killing 3 people and injuring many. Bomb Blast as such, ¬†are rare in nepal … only one previous incident few years ago , killing many students. Nonetheless , every one of these is condemable. I was more shocked when i heared that some underground group took the responsibility for the blast and said it was done to protest for recent oil price hike in the capital.

How can you kill people and justify you did it for the right reason ? Is life so cheap , and oil so precious ? How can someone have such a barbaric mentality.

Nepalese have a weired way of protesting. Instead of coming to terms via talk and compromise , they call for “Bandhs” — where everything is closed — schools,office,transport, shops everything. Life is so full of Bands in Nepal… when i first came to US , i was amazed that there wouldn’t be any ” Bandhs” out here ¬†anyday. Guess… that is what’s called — you think about others as you are. what’s even weired is the fact that the solution ¬†for the problem for which the ‘Bandh” was done ,doesnot even arrive after doing it.

I suppose it has become Nepalese favourite pass time hobby . When you get bored or have nothing to do– just call for a “Nepal Bandh”. Now do you progress to killing ¬†people when you feel like protesting ?. I can’t justify the actions they took. when will Nepalese wake up and stop all these weired acts…?

The Dad I wish I had …


The Dad I wish I had :

Have you ever thought about exchanging your parents, when you were a kid? Have you ever had a dream where somebody else adopted you ? As i recall , my earliest memories where i sensed something was wrong in my household was when i was around 6 years old . I recall even at that age i used to think, we would ¬†be much happier ( we – as in my siblings , me and my mum) without our father.I remember being beaten badly by my father when i was around 7 years. I remember being scared of him always ¬†, and i can’t even trace back the time for that.

To give you a little background , i grew up in a nuclear family with both my parents and siblings. I am the oldest. Both my parents are highly educated . Due to their job requirements,and as i was later told due to the friction in the marriage at the early years , i was mostly raised by my maternal grandmother. Only when i had another sibling , then we finally came together as a family…. or should i say a dysfunctional family , in some sense.

My father, as i know now , suffers from some form of extreme depression … relatives have told me it all started when he got some short of scholarship but couldn’t attend the college In USA ,as he couldn’t afford the air tickets, but my mother tells a different story.she tells me she realised something was different with him when he started beating her on their third day of marriage.

so anyhow , when i was a child i always knew my dad was different, when other father came to pick up their daughters from school, it was always my mum, when others hugged their daughter and bought present, my dad didn’t even looked at me. There was always some sense of fear, some sense of untold horror when dad was around. we never had a normal father daughter relationship. My mother’s marriage was an arranged one … she was brought up traditionally , and in those days , divorce was frowned upon heavily …daughters were taught to live with their husbands however hard it was, however bad the marriage was.she ¬†tells me she tried hard ,seperating…but later gave in because she couldnot spare the thought that there was nowhere else she could go and that we children would grow Fatherless… oh how i wish i had grown up without a father !!!!!!!!

Physical abuse was the norm back then in our household, mother used to have black eyes periodically , she used to smile and say it doesnot hurt much … but it took days to recover .she had to put heavy facepowder to cover those as such ….we continued to be a ¬†perfect small family for the eyes of others…. and inside there was so ¬†dysfunction. My father had his own private world. We could never convince him that he was/is ill… so he never took medication on ¬†his own. We had to mix up his medication with food..and there was a constant terror of ¬†him finding out and us being beaten or even locked out from our house.Father didn’t like anyone entering his domain…he misbehaved with everyone who came to our house , so later on, no-one came for visits. He didn’t want US going anywhere… so we never went anywhere. All in All we were socially outcasted in a sense. Father never improved…. we just all coped…

I remember when i was in school ¬†, when everyone used to talk about their dad.. i used to remain silent…. then i started lying about how wonderful my dad was. It still continues when someone ask how my dad is…?

In my family ,i had a dad.. who was always in his own world ( later on i realised … if he was /is in his own world was a blessing in disguise ¬†as he forget to beat us… ) ,a ¬†mother , who had so many responsibilities and lived in constant terror ¬†and , us — siblings… who grew up awkwardly knowing something was indeed different in our family.Holidays were , as i remember the worst periods.when there was happiness all around , ¬†our gloom seemed to grow in size.

Oh , during those days … how i used to pray and imagine i had a different dad. I developed a rich imagination, ¬†when things were tense in the household, and there was nobody to console me…. i used to imagine that we were in a very distant, far away , happier place , and there was no dad around.

Nevertheless.. what brings this painful memory around …is the fact that i saw a lot of friends liking this tag in facebook that says ” Dad …one day I will make you proud” and i can’t even like it because i literally don’t have a Father whom i can make proud of ……. ¬† ¬†ūüė¶ ¬†on second thoughts — who cares — ¬†may be, ¬†i would make a group that says” mom– 1 day i will make you proud” and like it myself .



Mild midwest winter

February is almost ending. This Month i was blogging less¬† but¬† reading actively. when you have such a large circle of blogger friends who come up with amazing topics everyday ,you ¬†get to read such interesting things. WordPress nearly ended my facebook addiction.. , now whenever i feel like logging to facebook¬† i come to wordpress and read some interesting blogs… life is going goood ūüôā

This month.. i studied in the libraries mostly , at least i am back in studying track , that feels good.

One thought provoking incident happened this month..I have a close friend , who i talk to¬† on the phone¬† like almost everyday. she is in US just like me, we used to work in the same place back in nepal, and¬† were¬† very close.’ I recently found out that she is pregnant and her due date is almost next month…. whoa… ?? when she told me , i was like what??? you talk to me about everything ,everyday and you didnt feel like sharing that important life¬† turning incident till now?. i felt a series of emotions ride through me almost after hearing the news, happiness,¬† sense of betrayal, sense of anger. I don’t know what i felt like but that was intense. what irk me more was when she said – she told me this news because her husband thought – i would get angry if i found out about the news later, and since we are so close and share everything and talk everyday , she should tell me . what the heck ?????? . she promised me not to get angry for withholding the news , and i did. I am truly happy for her , but i can’t shrug off this feeling of betryal or something. we still talk every alternate day, but now when i talk with her , i just talk about general stuffs and Don’t tell her everything.¬† And being busy with studies and all , i haven’t given this incident much thought, but it still irks me sometimes . I wonder if i was in nepal , and was surrounded by more friends, would this incident affect me the same way as it did this time ? .. .. well my husband tells me i am an emotional fool , i even cried when one of my friends broke up … so may be this is just me ūüôā

To happier news now —- this year winter in midwest was not bad. I don’t have piles of snow everywhere i go, and the temperatures are not that bad…. so am enjoying it immensely. People are just so friendly out here …so am lucky that i relocated.