The Dad I wish I had :

Have you ever thought about exchanging your parents, when you were a kid? Have you ever had a dream where somebody else adopted you ? As i recall , my earliest memories where i sensed something was wrong in my household was when i was around 6 years old . I recall even at that age i used to think, we would  be much happier ( we – as in my siblings , me and my mum) without our father.I remember being beaten badly by my father when i was around 7 years. I remember being scared of him always  , and i can’t even trace back the time for that.

To give you a little background , i grew up in a nuclear family with both my parents and siblings. I am the oldest. Both my parents are highly educated . Due to their job requirements,and as i was later told due to the friction in the marriage at the early years , i was mostly raised by my maternal grandmother. Only when i had another sibling , then we finally came together as a family…. or should i say a dysfunctional family , in some sense.

My father, as i know now , suffers from some form of extreme depression … relatives have told me it all started when he got some short of scholarship but couldn’t attend the college In USA ,as he couldn’t afford the air tickets, but my mother tells a different story.she tells me she realised something was different with him when he started beating her on their third day of marriage.

so anyhow , when i was a child i always knew my dad was different, when other father came to pick up their daughters from school, it was always my mum, when others hugged their daughter and bought present, my dad didn’t even looked at me. There was always some sense of fear, some sense of untold horror when dad was around. we never had a normal father daughter relationship. My mother’s marriage was an arranged one … she was brought up traditionally , and in those days , divorce was frowned upon heavily …daughters were taught to live with their husbands however hard it was, however bad the marriage was.she  tells me she tried hard ,seperating…but later gave in because she couldnot spare the thought that there was nowhere else she could go and that we children would grow Fatherless… oh how i wish i had grown up without a father !!!!!!!!

Physical abuse was the norm back then in our household, mother used to have black eyes periodically , she used to smile and say it doesnot hurt much … but it took days to recover .she had to put heavy facepowder to cover those up.so as such ….we continued to be a  perfect small family for the eyes of others…. and inside there was so  dysfunction. My father had his own private world. We could never convince him that he was/is ill… so he never took medication on  his own. We had to mix up his medication with food..and there was a constant terror of  him finding out and us being beaten or even locked out from our house.Father didn’t like anyone entering his domain…he misbehaved with everyone who came to our house , so later on, no-one came for visits. He didn’t want US going anywhere… so we never went anywhere. All in All we were socially outcasted in a sense. Father never improved…. we just all coped…

I remember when i was in school  , when everyone used to talk about their dad.. i used to remain silent…. then i started lying about how wonderful my dad was. It still continues when someone ask how my dad is…?

In my family ,i had a dad.. who was always in his own world ( later on i realised … if he was /is in his own world ..it was a blessing in disguise  as he forget to beat us… ) ,a  mother , who had so many responsibilities and lived in constant terror  and , us — siblings… who grew up awkwardly knowing something was indeed different in our family.Holidays were , as i remember the worst periods.when there was happiness all around ,  our gloom seemed to grow in size.

Oh , during those days … how i used to pray and imagine i had a different dad. I developed a rich imagination,  when things were tense in the household, and there was nobody to console me…. i used to imagine that we were in a very distant, far away , happier place , and there was no dad around.

Nevertheless.. what brings this painful memory around …is the fact that i saw a lot of friends liking this tag in facebook that says ” Dad …one day I will make you proud” and i can’t even like it because i literally don’t have a Father whom i can make proud of …….    😦  on second thoughts — who cares —  may be,  i would make a group that says” mom– 1 day i will make you proud” and like it myself .