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I am a socially awkward penguin. I admit I am.

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I am quite a charmer when it comes to a small setting of people , people  i have known for forever , for a few hours i can talk and talk …. but to that,  throw a number of other strange people and throw in a new setting …. i am totally undone then . I start twitching my lips, mumbling… what the heck my feet starts sweating. I have palpitations. It comes so suddenly that i am unable to enjoy a crowded gathering.I am unable to see what’s going on around, i  suddenly get  so locked up inside ,I want to get out of there fast. I  can’t talk back smoothly, my usually thick accent becomes more thicker, My smile turns fake … i am a mess.

I dread going to large  gatherings ,from days and days ahead… i think of hundreds of things to avoid it..so now you know it… i am a socially awkward penguin.

It’s always been there… but when i was back in Nepal, it was still managable …. i had no language and accent barrier, i had my  large family who i had to meet constantly (and yes they love to gossip) , i had  a job that required me to talk to large number of people.. day in and day out … but i was ok..  Then i landed in US of A.  The degree i have back home doesn’t get recognised unless i take a series of exams ,for which i am preparing. I don’t have to meet a lot of people, i don’t have to talk to them day in and day out , i just sit at home and read or go to the library and read…or just basically stay at home and do anything i like alone (my hubby works long hours)_ so now i have this thing out of control.

Last week we were invited to this party … everyone was so nice and supportive, i wanted to talk and talk and talk and know them more…. but couldn’t open my mouth. I just smiled and answered back whenever they asked me a direct question… that too in a muffled voice..which they didn”t understand and i had to repeat everything twice.when everyone was talking..i was thinking of things to say in the conversation… Gosh i was bad…

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I hate myself for being this awkward… i can write pages and pages without any glitches but when it comes to talking to a person directly ..i am a mess. People have labelled me as uninterested, aloof and arrogant in the past because of this… then some of those people changed into friends, some still label me as such i guess.

sometimes i think , i should get a tee  that says.. “come talk to me.. i can’t cause i am sociophobic, but will have to.. if you initiate ” or something like ” If i don’t talk fluently , it’s because i can’t ..it’s not because i won’t…” and wear those to the parties i get invited to … lol ( i wonder if anyone will invite me after such an incident  🙂 )

Most people don’t understand why i am such a mess… who can blame them ehh ??? when i don’t understand  me myself. when others around me  are going out, meeting new people , talking their heart out, i stand there silently….. admiring their talking skills, and their openness… Thinking of things to say …

Anyone in my shoes? Anyone with similar experience..? Anyone who conquered this and turned out ” extrovert” .

p.s- If you see someone in one of those tees …… yup that’s me … come and say hi …   🙂

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