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.. .. i should  never start a sequel.. of that  i am certain . I wanted to finish this one  a long time ago..but  there always was something else- more pending ,more important  and more exciting than this one 🙂

And something strange happened yesterday—someone was so upset with my blog of arranged marriage..they  asked whether i was suffering from a midlife crisis !!!  haha…. i am too young for a midlife crisis ….and i am not venting out my frustations of marriage on this topic because i have none. . My hubby and i are happily married , Thank you …..it’s just my weired attempt of writing something funny..that lands me in trouble.. :))) people have no sense of humor these days… or that my sense of humor might be “” not humor at all””. The fact i write are just plain observations on my part..

And i promise.. this is the last sequel in this topic that i will  ever write…. however long this  may be  …. 😉

so i wanted to write about emotional complications after  an arranged marriage…. we had the story till they got married. Note here- the bride and the groom will share the home with the groom’s parents, because- as is the tradition nepalese live with their parents. so before marriage the bride is living with her parents and after marriage she moves to her husband’s home with his parents and any unmarried brothers and sisters of her husband. Living seperately after marriage is still a taboo…  so this brings in the situation i call being married to a “whole family

So let’s focus on the bride  shall we—  she’s the one who’s going to face a lot of emotional complications. she’s new and doesnot know the family much..The family on the other hand is watching her every move. she can’t express her emotions to her husband  because he is not that close..they only met once before the marriage..remember– talked about weather… ehhh?? 🙂 . She is missing her family, she is missing the familiar situation of her parents home..she is tossed in this alien environment and is expected to adapt to it from the next day. Every home has it’s own minor cultures and subcultures.. every home has a different dining ettique and food taste , every home has it’s own set of complex criteria about a daughter in law. The poor bride is so naive..she doesn’t know about it at all . she is expected to know and follow those criteria from the second day of marriage itself.. doesn’t matter how she knows it.. doesn’t matter if someone guides her or not… she is expected to  know it and follow it  anyhow ..period.

Note here— unless the bride comes from a huge family , has a lot of elder sisters and sister in law ..nobody prepares her for the  emotional turmoil that comes after the marriage. Nobody tells her they treat daughters and daughters in law differently out there  .Nobody warns her its  a rough path being a daughter in law.Nobody tells her It’s Bad. And even if she has / had some hints or warnings , the actual experience is still shattering.. still bitter tasting…

Ok lets start the actual scenario… The new bride is expected to cook , clean , and of course work (these days… few people are housewifes). She is treated as if they have brought her for housework in addition to the official work she already is doing. Her food is expected to be perfect. All of a sudden she has to change her entire wardrobe and discard her jeans and t-shirts….from now on it’s only sarees.., if you are lucky you are permitted to wear a kurtha..later on. Her manners without any minor/ major glitches. she is expected to please a whole family, note here again— the bride has no idea what their expectations might be… Her opinions are trashed ..her cooking criticised…, her clothes ridiculed to pieces…. The initial and heartbreaking realisation of being a daughter in law comes — when the family start complaining about the food.. however hard she tries there  is something wrong with the food… it’s  either too salty.. or too spicy or the plain old favourite one — it’s so bad , is this the way they cook at your home? (they mean her parent’s of course). She tries hard to please … then she tries harder..but the remarks keep on coming…oh it shifts from food, to clothes or makeup or something else but the remark is always there..whatever she does is not good enough….she gets tired.. she is irritated …but nobody consoles her..nobody guides her…

She is the new one …. everyone else has their schedule fixed ..everyone else has the familarity of the space.. she feels alieanated.. she tries to express.. she tries to adjust . she seeks her husband’s emotional comfort. Note here again—- she is not emotionally attached to her husband.. their marriage was arranged remember? she doesn’t know how much of things she can tell him..can she trust him with her emotions? can she tell  him about the remarks his mother or sister or brother told about food or cloth or something else… ?? she hesitates… emotional closeness needs time. It takes time to get out of box and think as ” we” instead of you  and I .  In the meantime … The crude remarks keep on increasing..the pressure keeps on coming…..the resentment keeps on building..she keeps on hesitating about telling her husband what’s hurting her, she can’t tell she needs his support..he doesn’t realise she needs support , he doesn’t realise she is in a emotional wreck  , the husband unaware of all this emotional complexities keep on living his regular everyday life. For him little has changed.. he has a wife now.. but he still lives in the same house with his parents ..his schedules are same..the expectations are the same..nothing much has changed…

After some months… when the wife feels some emotional connection with the husband … she tries to tell… and a holy cow what a reaction  she gets… The poor husband now tries to rationalise his families opinion and remarks against her..he tells her it’s not that serious.. it might be your fault too, or some variations of.. ” they didn’t mean to hurt you with those remarks.. they are just like that all the time” . She expects him to be on her side… supporting and listening.. what she gets is ..he rationalises and supports his family. It’s never their fault, period. She is expected to bend down to every whim of his family … every command and what she gets—- is more shrewed remarks… , more stares, more smacking of inlaws lips.. it’s never good enough.. she winches ..she tries…

she  can never be a daughter to them , she is always the Daughter in law… always ” The alien one”. She tries to get support of her husband but his reasoning is always towards the family… Note here– He loves her, knows his family is troubling his wife.. knows their shrewed comment is hurting her …. but is not bothered about it.. he is so immune..he has no emotional affect.

Meanwhile she feels imprisioned …. Feels nobody is there to care for her..nobody listens to her…she feels alieanated. Asian Men are emotionally detached… and when i say detached i mean detached when you are infront of his family. They treat their wife as if she is a stranger… no smiles.. no small talk..it’s just a straight face… the wife in the other hand is so perplexed with all this drama going on … she doesn’t know who to turn to for emotional healing…. She hardens.. she adjusts.. she talks back , she starts criticising too…. she now knows she has to stand up for herself.. stand up for her emotional survival… She now turns into what they call it  ” bad daughter in law”  — the one that talks back, the one that doesn’t care what others think about her, the one that is strong. 🙂

Later on … months..years later… with their own family in the background, and the husband listening to his wife more than his family… this marriage has a 90% rate of survival … providing they both evolve and change and understand they are the ones that got married not the family. ::) . On the reverse side… both partners not changing their attitudes.. wife being supressed  and husband  having no affect ..with family in between … This marriage is bound for  a disaster.